Dang, did you even try to talk to him about it? Sounds like he was becoming annoyed or something. You were obsessed with how you make him feel, but did you have any practical outlook on why he feels how he feels, or how to maintain that?
You could have told him something like "Is something bothering you about me? I don't want to bother you, I want you to feel at comfortable around me." I mean, if you were even actually interested in how he felt to that extent in the first place. It just sounds like a collosal waste of a relationship over some stuff that might have been fixable.
Hey, your writing is going to be part of your way through this, the pain, the changes needed for you in life. Your writing is raw, vulnerable, open, inviting. I hope you find the One in your life, the one who equals your heartache, your deepest longing, your level of commitment.
Literally the same issue with my first girlfriend, although there’s one part reversed: I was the one constantly trying to keep in touch despite the distance between us. She simply threw that in my face without caring to ever talk to me about what was on her mind.
Glad I’m not the only one who can see this kind of issue.
It’s impossible to have a relationship with someone so avoidant you’re met with silence, right?
I tried everything. Leaning in, leaning out. He just wasn’t showing up. Ever. I felt like I was in love with a ghost and he was just always out of reach.
Like I said, my problem wasn't that she wasn't replying to me every time I messaged her. It was that she broke up with me without having ever talked to me about what was bothering her about our relationship so we could try to work things out first.
My mother left when I was 4. She didn’t want to be my mother. Several other women who graduated from high school with her had babies before they were ready. Some were good moms but the fathers weren’t and wouldn’t stay either.
Its not her responsibility that he tells her if something is wrong on his side. If something is wrong on his side, he should say something about that. He could have said something during the breakup conversation as well.
When you stop being of importance to your partner, it's not over and done. A talk, a discussion only end up with a month of adjustment, if it even lasts that long. Been there, done that
The best thing in a relationship is to know when you to step away.
It's not obsession about anything. TF is even practical outlook?
No one is too busy for you, I keep telling people that. You don't have to teach a man who loves you how to treat you.
It's not salvageable if a man starts thinking of you as less important, and honestly, if he had an issue with you and it's the reason he is acting up, then, that has got to be the cruelest thing ever. Tell me what I've done wrong, so we can work on it. If you can't, let me know to pack up and leave.
Tell me I stopped sparking up your fire. Tell me it died down.
So, I believe with every bone inside of me that she was right. It's the worst feeling in the world, and no one has to question you for leaving.
If my grandmother, a dyed in the wool anti union republican and regular churchgoer who read the Bible, and my grandfather, a dyed in the wool Kennedy Johnson democrat who avoided going to church, could make it work, then I’m sure you could have. Plus she was moody (bipolar, I’m pretty sure), which made her difficult to be around (she definitely loved me and looked out for me).
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
“I deserve more.” For what? For simply existing? You may have convinced yourself you're the best thing out there, but you have a vested interest in believing that. Doesn't make it true.
It's fascinating to me how women will scold male incels for saying "I deserve an awesome woman", but then go and say "I deserve an awesome man" themselves. Y'all say that incels are "entitled"... so why wouldn't that adjective apply to you as well?
If a male incel wasn't getting the results he wanted, you would say to him: "You deserve nothing and your standards are unrealistic. Stop whining. Work on yourself to get the outcome you want. If you aren't able to get it, then tough freakin' luck."
Why wouldn't the exact same argument apply to a single woman who has ideas about what she "deserves"?
Personally, I can't recall hearing a male incel say anything similar to "I deserve an awesome woman" (maybe that's partly because men know they would get laughed at for saying such a thing), but otherwise, completely agree!
I'm of the opinion that no one deserves anything. I deserve nothing, and neither does anyone else. How does one go about "deserving" things anyway? How morally good do I have to be before I can cash in my goodness tokens for a perfect ten? How is my goodness measured? How many starving children do I have to feed before I qualify? Obviously, these questions are completely nonsensical. You don't earn anything by "deserving" it. You either do the work to get it, or you just get lucky.
I dont think entitled is the right word, but deserving :) no one has a right to be loved, you cannot force it violently.
But everyone deserves love, incels too. It has to be reciprocal tho, and i feel like thats where some incels struggle. For the incels that do give love and respect to women and still do not get what they deserve, my heart goes out.
Nobody deserves to be in a nonloving relationship as well. It can be one of the most painful things. And everyone has the right to leave any relationship whenever they want to.
I think if you change the word to “entitled” then this statement rings true. It’s like when people think they’re entitled to xyz because they’ve done xyz. Which isn’t necessarily the case, no one is entitled to anything.
But if we’re talking about deserving, I personally believe everyone is deserving of everything they want and more — assuming it’s with good intentions. Whether they actually get what they want, is a matter of what actions they’re taking. And if someone has walked away from something because they feel they deserve better, then more often than not, they will find something better.
LOLOL. 😆 And who decided that your chosen framework and system of accreditation is the only legitimate way of viewing the world and everything in it? The people who invented the framework did, of course! 🤣 Funny how that works...
If you're claiming that it's legitimate and should be obeyed based on the fact that it's part of the establishment, then that would mean patriarchy is also legitimate and should be obeyed, no?
This is a very falsely equivalent stance void of empathy. Even the mere comparison of a woman wanting love and attention in her already established relationship to a group of men who have enacted violence against women they don’t even know fueled by their entitlement to complete strangers is nothing short of asinine. It’s jarring that you truly believed that was a legitimate stance to take and it’s quite frankly disturbing
She said "I deserve more." Meaning she deserves a better relationship than the one she has. It's not about her already-established relationship any more at that point.
Setting aside a small minority of the population which is violent, the standards should be the same for women and for men. If women "deserve more", why shouldn't men "deserve more"? Are you in favor of gender equality?
If you say incels are "entitled to complete strangers", why isn't OP "entitled to complete strangers"? It seems like much different language is used to describe men vs women, even when the thinking and behavior is quite similar...
That being said, i believe male incels also deserve love and respect and attention. Has to be resiprocal tho. And i think in this situation she was giving him love and attention and he wasnt giving it back.
You made an assumption that she claimed to deserve more ‘for simply existing’ and it looks like you’re projecting from an onlookers perspective. If feeling neglected (like she said) is not what she wants then why does she have to put up with it? What exactly is the issue here? This sounds like trying to get women to settle and forcing the same rhetoric men have WRONGFULLY been feeding themselves for years - they have to earn their value
Does she HAVE to stay in a relationship she doesn't want? No. Should most women settle? YES. Because most modern Western women have unreasonable and unrealistic expectations. No, women do not have to earn their value as human beings (and neither do men), but if they want the most desirable men, they have to BE the kind of person their ideal man would actually want. A woman is not ENTITLED to an ideal man or an ideal relationship. Now who's projecting?
If you want you can settle in a relationship. But if I'm going to invest my love and time into someone it will be someone I don't settle for. Would you want someone to settle for you? I don't think you would. It'd make you feel horrible knowing that the person your with doesn't find you interesting or loves you for you. People just become bitter and angry in relationships where there is no love. I don't think you've experienced love because if you have you wouldn't have written what you wrote.
No one should settle. Thats why more and more women are staying single. No one should settle for ANYTHING in life. However, it’s needed to point out, if you don’t have self respect and haven’t done work on yourself you’ll accept the bare minimum.
The history showed that hitler became this bad person because his step father abused him and his mother did nothing. If hitler received loved from his mother and step father he wouldnt tourned out like that. Its simple as that
There are plenty of people who DID receive love from their parents and still turn out like Hitler anyway. They just don't have as much power as he did, so we don't read about them in the history books.
You're saying that Hitler deserved certain things BEFORE he committed atrocities. What about AFTER he committed tbose atrocities? Was he still deserving then?
most if not all of bad people didnt received love from other people thats why they become bad. From parents from friends from partners. This situation pushed them to doing worse things. The lack of love on their live.
After what he did no he didnt deserved it obviously he didnt deserved to even live. But he as a person could think that he deserved it. Why? Because he was just a human that wanted to be loved and cared for. Thats one of our primarly need as a humans.
A belief without evidence is simply an opinion, not a fact. Beliefs that aren't based on facts or evidence are sometimes harmless, but they can also be very counterproductive and dangerous. If I believe I can fly by jumping off buildings (even though there's no evidence to support that belief), I'm going to end up with a lot of broken bones.
I'm not projecting anything onto anyone else. This isn't about whether I personally deserve something or not. I believe no one deserves anything. No one is entitled to the best of anything. No one is entitled to something just because they want it. The universe owes me nothing.
The idea of “deserving” something can be (and often has been) used to justify doing things that are destructive and morally wrong. If I believe I deserve the best of everything, then why shouldn't I commit crimes to get what I want? Let's say I want the best and most expensive car there is. If I believe “I deserve it” and I'm entitled to it, then that means there's no problem with me stealing it, because I'm just taking what's rightfully mine. You see the problem there.
Just because you deserve it doesn't mean you'll always get it. Of anything to settle for, not a partner. It's a life long decision.
You deserve a rest after working all round the year but might not get it due to work pressure still… Doesn't mean you still don't deserve the rest. It's the same with life.
The universe don't owe you anything, true. That's why you strive hard to give yourself the best, in this case, leaving a partner that she believes wasn't the best for her.
The best things won't fall in your laps, and no one is saying to do terrible things to have it.
Yes, for simply existing. We all deserve someone who loves us for who we are and someone who shows up for us.
If you believe we must settle for people for whom we’re not a priority I genuinely feel sad for you.
Being single is much better than being with someone who just keeps you around out of convenience, why would she stay when he keeps showing her she’s not really wanted?
If I've horrifically beaten everyone I've ever been romantically involved with and treated them all like garbage, do I still deserve someone who loves me for who I am and shows up for me? If I have sky-high standards for my partner and expect them to give me everything, but I refuse to give them anything in return or to meet any standards myself--if I'm one hundred percent selfish and I make the relationship all about me--do I still deserve someone who loves me for who I am and shows up for me?
No one is entitled to get what they want in a romantic relationship. No one is entitled to a romantic relationship at all. Relationships are like loans: you get what you qualify for, not what you think you deserve.
This is a disingenuous comment and you’re taking the conversation completely off the rails.
None of the hypothetical scenarios you’re bringing up apply here.
This is a very classic scenario of someone who puts more effort than the other into the relationship. There’s no abuse that we know of, no sky-high standards as she’s literally asking for the bare minimum and not getting it, and no selfishness since she was putting all this effort in.
Since she’s opening her heart and willing to pour love, care and attention into a relationship she absolutely deserves the same from her partner.
She does deserve more than she was getting, cause she was barely getting anything. To use your analogy, she qualified for a lot more and therefore left the man that didn’t deserve her.
It doesn't matter whether my hypothetical scenarios apply to this particular case, because I wasn't talking about the author of this article. I was pointing out the fact that there are situations where the statement “everyone deserves XYZ” is demonstrably untrue. The fact that you did not offer a rebuttal and instead changed the subject and made the conversation all about one particular person (even though my original thesis was not about one particular person and neither was yours) tells me everything I need to know. It means you're aware that what I'm saying is correct, but you don't want to admit it, so you're pivoting instead. The fact that you don't like what I have to say does not in any way mean that I'm being disingenuous. Your comment is disingenuous, and you're taking the conversation completely off the rails.
Also, you're making a TON of assumptions about the conduct and character of the author of this article. You're assuming she's completely blameless, even though you've only heard her side of the story and no one else's. You know nothing about her relationship with her ex, other than what she's told you. How do you know that everything she's said is true? How do you know that she's being totally fair, balanced, and objective in her assessment of the relationship, her assessment of her ex, and her assessment of herself? You don't. You're just assuming. How do you know what she “deserves”? You don't. You're just ASSUMING she deserves everything she SAYS she deserves. You don't know anything for sure about her relationship. And neither do I. That's why I'm speaking in general principles and not speaking about HER specifically.
He's an Avoidant and you are Anxious. Look into Attachment Theory, Adam Lane Smith vids are the best on this. I am an Avoidant man myself and what your husband did is textbook, and your reactions are textbook Anxious. He will start to create emotional distance when the relationship starts to feel really serious, and you (the Anxious person) will respond by chasing. Unfortunately the more you chase him, the more he will pull away. Avoidants can heal but it takes awareness first, followed by a long path of rewiring your brain. I am on this path now and am optimistic.
I’m seeing a lot of comments ‘bashing’ her. I don’t usually like to say anything, but I think I’d like to add in my two cents here.
To my fellow brothers, I understand what you’re getting at. Tbh, the title is very misleading and since that’s the first impression that hits, everything else onwards is only going to make you feel animosity, and I can understand that it is fueled by experiences you’ve had to endure from individuals that abandoned you despite you pouring every piece of your existence into them. That being said, you need to understand truly her perspective. This is a classic case of ‘spark fizzling out’ and on your ends, it’s misunderstanding; ironic because that’s exactly her feelings. Misunderstood.
When she specified ‘more’, it’s not exactly MORE, rather it’s truly the bare functioning blocks that created the relationship in the first place. Please my brothers, understand beyond the scope of your personal betrayals which I know hurt like shit. ‘More’ in this case isn’t more money, more niceness, or being a good guy. It’s about emotional presence and most importantly RECIPROCITY. Do you not see that this is what first created the bond? His efforts when he showed up for her, when he was by her side, when he made her feel seen, understood and like she was the only person that mattered. She made him feel the same way, which is why their bond is this deep. The connection USED to be mutual and electric, but over time, it faded on HIS end. Yes, I understand life gets in the way. For gods sake, I should know. I’m a Medical student and to juggle family bonds is difficult on its own but because it truly means a lot to me, I MUST show up without fail, and if I fail on some days, they love me enough to understand. Do you not see that SHE did the same? She UNDERSTOOD for his sake, but brothers, understand that to truly understand someone else means to sacrifice your feelings. It’s evident when she says a simple goodnext text - a 5 second effort, he didn’t do. When that stopped and she had to beg him for it, understand that she is giving you the smallest and rather easiest example to digest to give you a broader reality of the true situation. If a goodnight text couldn’t be said, do you really think there was much effort in other parts. I’m not saying he didn’t show up at all, but when you show a level of standard you are and slowly begin to starve the other person of the dream YOU showed them, it will mentally fuck them up. Do you not think she had to apply more makeup to be prettier? Compared herself to OTHER girls and try to be like them just so she could have the dream HE SOLD HER. Do you not think she tried? Read her words. She’s so madly in love. Just because she left, do you really think she’s even capable of moving on easily? She’s IN LOVE. This is a woman that loves a man, and a man that began to take it for granted.
‘I deserve to feel mattered. Like my presence is felt. Like my love is returned with the same depth, not politely tolerated’ - brothers, holy fuck. I know for a fact, because you’ve signed up here, you stem from broken homes. Imagine your mom. Didn’t our mothers suffer at the hands of the man that made vows? Does it not shatter you that they felt exactly this way?
“I felt like my passion was too much.” “The act of asking my boyfriend to just acknowledge me once a day… became soul-destroying.” “My entire being was being compromised.” “I love him so completely. My god, it hurts.” - This is not indifference. It’s deep attachment, it’s grief, it’s mourning a love that’s still alive in you but already dead in the other person.
he was a good man, he was a nice man, but that is not the same as being emotionally available. I know we all come from different faiths, however I’m a Muslim. In Islam, a man is only his woman’s warrior, but SHE is the Queen of his house, Princess for his hands, and the Baby of his heart. You must understand the different titles.
Lastly, for the author: Have faith, that what is meant for you will always reach you. Have faith. After all, you’re a woman. You’re unbelievably precious.
This comment brought me to tears and touched my soul. Thank you so much for seeing me and taking the time to understand, digest and comment from a place of true love and understanding. You are a wonderful light in this world.
Thank you so much for choosing to spread that here. I appreciate it more than you know 🙏
But you weren't thriving. You were being ignored and taken for granted. It would never have got better and you were right to end it. Relationships should bring out the best in you, not leave you bedridden with grief and anxiety. That's not love.
this is one of the most beautiful pieces i have ever read, not just on substack but in my life. i was so recently right where you are. i have related to every part, particularly the noticing yourself becoming less and less important to them, and to their words not matching their actions. eventually we have to choose ourselves. i got out of the shower one day and thought "if i was choosing me, i would walk away" and then i just had to. it gets so much better and brighter and there is someone out there who will never stop choosing you, but until then you can be that person for yourself. choose you. <3
Sounds like he loves you but the honeymoon phase was ending for him, honestly. It does in every long term relationship. Have been with my husband for 10 years now and it’s not the same. Different, maybe a bit less intense, but much deeper in other ways. With three young kids, all that honeymoon energy would be too much of a distraction anyway. Not to say we don't do romance anymore, but we don't have time to write poetry or be checking our phones for cute messages. But we can look on all we've built together, and know we are each other's ride or die.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
I'm not sure any relationship could pass the bar of being "energetically even" all the time. They were easing out of the honeymoon phase and settling into an actual relationship (one that takes work and maintenance) when she pulled the rip cord. I'm not sure that was courage as much as it was panicking.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
I can’t help but feel that if he had given you what you think you wanted, you would have broken up with him because he was too needy and suffocating. I wish you well but I don’t think any man can make you happy until you do some serious self-assessment.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
I felt like I was being tortured in my last relationship...constantly being his lowest priority, yet making me feel like I wasn't doing enough for him. He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but actions speak louder than words. I knew he would never cheat on me. I knew he loved me. But I put him on a pedestal. He just didn't know how to love me properly. It is the worst feeling, and like you, I finally walked away. It was horrible. I relapsed, went into a severe depression, and lost a lot of weight. I built my self back up though. It will get better. And since then, I've made a promise to myself that I will never let a man make me feel that small again. I'm in a new relationship with a much younger guy, but he is just the sweetest thing, and I am a priority. I understand that gut-wrenching feeling of nauseating disgust, not hearing from them for a whole day, knowing he has his phone on him. I always said, it takes 2 seconds to send a quick text, to let me know what's going on. Your story was so beautifully written I feel like it was written for me. It will get better, my dear. We are worthy to be appreciated.
Sorry for the horrible comments - felt the same in my first relationship. That I was asking too much, that we just had different communication styles, that I was being needy. I lost myself in obsessing over him and us. 5 years later I’m in a long distance relationship and let me tell you that you can find someone who loves you with the same intensity, who pulls closer not away, who communicates as much as you need, who makes u feel secure even in their absence. There was nothing wrong with you, you simply weren’t a good match x
You wrote a whole essay about how he's perfect and you love him and told us nothing about him except that he occasionally didn't text you and looked at his phone instead of you, and that he was absent often. Like what was the rest of your relationship?
Well if she loved him and he was perfect I would assume there was some kind of relationship going on when he was there, theres just no information about it in this essay.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
Girl... The bar is so low. Not being abused doesn't mean the man is a good man. He was nice and didn't yell at you maybe, but not giving any intention whatsoever to your girlfriend is like, below the bare minimum
You're basing yourself off of an article that only says so much. In my opinion if it was stressful enough to write about, it was surely more than juste one day. And honest,y to each their own, but if my boyfriend wasn't responding to days on end then yeah I wouldn't feel loved either and I would definitely move on.
I've never wanted to bash a comment section so bad.
You are so brave and patient and the fact that you've taken the time to respond to all these comments? You're an angel.
I hope that you fully heal from this pain. And that one day soon, I'll read something from you about a love that makes you feel safe and seen and soft.
A love that doesn't make you ask if you're too much.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
I’m going to do something most people don’t on the internet and admit now, re-reading with the author’s note added, that I get it. Sounds like this was the best decision for you and I apologize for being too hasty with my words and judgment.
For now I’ll leave this note up so people can see this exchange, but if you’d like I can also take them down. Just let me know. And again, my apologies for jumping to conclusions. I wish you the best going forward!
I don’t get why this kind of ceo speech is so used in relationship topics now. What you are saying is a way to live your life to prevent feeling like a victim, but it’s not how you get love from your partner. You don’t earn love when you deserve it based on your actions, and most people who are emotionally neglected in relationships are actually the ones trying the hardest to “earn” it. But guess what? Those who can fix it never do it by working harder, but by being able to inspire change in the other partner. It’s okay to think you deserve better treatment if you are hurting, because you trust the other person made a commitment to you, so it stopped being transactional.
While I still agree with this general statement, I was wrong about Blithe’s post and her experience. It does not apply to her relationship and I apologize for saying so. I hope she and others will forgive me, and I wish her the best going forward on her journey! For my part, I will do a better job practicing what I preach.
Dang, did you even try to talk to him about it? Sounds like he was becoming annoyed or something. You were obsessed with how you make him feel, but did you have any practical outlook on why he feels how he feels, or how to maintain that?
You could have told him something like "Is something bothering you about me? I don't want to bother you, I want you to feel at comfortable around me." I mean, if you were even actually interested in how he felt to that extent in the first place. It just sounds like a collosal waste of a relationship over some stuff that might have been fixable.
Mr Man, is that you? 😂
Nope, just saw this on the algorithm and figured I'd give my honest reaction. I didn't see any serious discussion comments so I figured "why not?".
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond! I’m so grateful and love hearing your opinion! ❤️
Doesn't even bother engaging with your point smh.
Hey, your writing is going to be part of your way through this, the pain, the changes needed for you in life. Your writing is raw, vulnerable, open, inviting. I hope you find the One in your life, the one who equals your heartache, your deepest longing, your level of commitment.
Thank you ❤️
Literally the same issue with my first girlfriend, although there’s one part reversed: I was the one constantly trying to keep in touch despite the distance between us. She simply threw that in my face without caring to ever talk to me about what was on her mind.
Glad I’m not the only one who can see this kind of issue.
It’s impossible to have a relationship with someone so avoidant you’re met with silence, right?
I tried everything. Leaning in, leaning out. He just wasn’t showing up. Ever. I felt like I was in love with a ghost and he was just always out of reach.
Like I said, my problem wasn't that she wasn't replying to me every time I messaged her. It was that she broke up with me without having ever talked to me about what was bothering her about our relationship so we could try to work things out first.
You made the exact same mistake she did.
Hey.. please read my updated authors note. I’m not your ex girlfriend and I didn’t make that mistake. One thing imma do is yap.
I’m not trying to be preachy or something. With some people, it’s not possible. Hugs.
My mother left when I was 4. She didn’t want to be my mother. Several other women who graduated from high school with her had babies before they were ready. Some were good moms but the fathers weren’t and wouldn’t stay either.
Sending lots of love. Thanks for sharing 💕
Men need women (and themselves) to be less interested in how men feel. That's a gift she gave him.
Its not her responsibility that he tells her if something is wrong on his side. If something is wrong on his side, he should say something about that. He could have said something during the breakup conversation as well.
When you stop being of importance to your partner, it's not over and done. A talk, a discussion only end up with a month of adjustment, if it even lasts that long. Been there, done that
The best thing in a relationship is to know when you to step away.
It's not obsession about anything. TF is even practical outlook?
No one is too busy for you, I keep telling people that. You don't have to teach a man who loves you how to treat you.
It's not salvageable if a man starts thinking of you as less important, and honestly, if he had an issue with you and it's the reason he is acting up, then, that has got to be the cruelest thing ever. Tell me what I've done wrong, so we can work on it. If you can't, let me know to pack up and leave.
Tell me I stopped sparking up your fire. Tell me it died down.
So, I believe with every bone inside of me that she was right. It's the worst feeling in the world, and no one has to question you for leaving.
It’s a 2 way street.
If my grandmother, a dyed in the wool anti union republican and regular churchgoer who read the Bible, and my grandfather, a dyed in the wool Kennedy Johnson democrat who avoided going to church, could make it work, then I’m sure you could have. Plus she was moody (bipolar, I’m pretty sure), which made her difficult to be around (she definitely loved me and looked out for me).
Hey!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
B x
I shouldn’t have made such assumptions. Apologies.
Some people just refuse to stay for any reason.
“I deserve more.” For what? For simply existing? You may have convinced yourself you're the best thing out there, but you have a vested interest in believing that. Doesn't make it true.
It's fascinating to me how women will scold male incels for saying "I deserve an awesome woman", but then go and say "I deserve an awesome man" themselves. Y'all say that incels are "entitled"... so why wouldn't that adjective apply to you as well?
If a male incel wasn't getting the results he wanted, you would say to him: "You deserve nothing and your standards are unrealistic. Stop whining. Work on yourself to get the outcome you want. If you aren't able to get it, then tough freakin' luck."
Why wouldn't the exact same argument apply to a single woman who has ideas about what she "deserves"?
Dont think she says she deserves an awesome man. She just wants the bare minimum imo. What is a relationship without love and attention?
Personally, I can't recall hearing a male incel say anything similar to "I deserve an awesome woman" (maybe that's partly because men know they would get laughed at for saying such a thing), but otherwise, completely agree!
I'm of the opinion that no one deserves anything. I deserve nothing, and neither does anyone else. How does one go about "deserving" things anyway? How morally good do I have to be before I can cash in my goodness tokens for a perfect ten? How is my goodness measured? How many starving children do I have to feed before I qualify? Obviously, these questions are completely nonsensical. You don't earn anything by "deserving" it. You either do the work to get it, or you just get lucky.
You don't earn anything by "deserving" it. You either do the work to get it, or you just get lucky.
Hey Ron! I believe everyone is entitled to love.
I give it freely and I expect it back in return.
Lots of love to you!
Go tell the incels, they'll be very happy to hear that they're entitled to love :-)
I dont think entitled is the right word, but deserving :) no one has a right to be loved, you cannot force it violently.
But everyone deserves love, incels too. It has to be reciprocal tho, and i feel like thats where some incels struggle. For the incels that do give love and respect to women and still do not get what they deserve, my heart goes out.
Nobody deserves to be in a nonloving relationship as well. It can be one of the most painful things. And everyone has the right to leave any relationship whenever they want to.
The only people who truly deserve love are children.
You, me - as adults - might give it freely as you say, but this does not entitle us to receive anything back.
I think if you change the word to “entitled” then this statement rings true. It’s like when people think they’re entitled to xyz because they’ve done xyz. Which isn’t necessarily the case, no one is entitled to anything.
But if we’re talking about deserving, I personally believe everyone is deserving of everything they want and more — assuming it’s with good intentions. Whether they actually get what they want, is a matter of what actions they’re taking. And if someone has walked away from something because they feel they deserve better, then more often than not, they will find something better.
Of course the same argument doesn't apply.
Women are an oppressed identity group who have buffered for tens of thousands of years; men aren't.
Tell us you didn't graduate from an accredited university without telling us.
Community college doesn't count. They don't teach courses in how to recognize oppressive discourses in welding class.
LOLOL. 😆 And who decided that your chosen framework and system of accreditation is the only legitimate way of viewing the world and everything in it? The people who invented the framework did, of course! 🤣 Funny how that works...
If you're claiming that it's legitimate and should be obeyed based on the fact that it's part of the establishment, then that would mean patriarchy is also legitimate and should be obeyed, no?
Lol "buffered"
Looks like when you were in college you were held to a lower standard as well. No wonder you think it is normative and you deserve it.
buffered is an obvious typo for suffered. But you knew that.
But you had to immediately go to the ugly classist smear.
If you ever want to know why all of us voted Trump, look at yourself. Your sneering, condescending disrespect to the American people did it.
But don't let met stop you. Go on! Speak truth to the powerless!
You're pathetic
This is a very falsely equivalent stance void of empathy. Even the mere comparison of a woman wanting love and attention in her already established relationship to a group of men who have enacted violence against women they don’t even know fueled by their entitlement to complete strangers is nothing short of asinine. It’s jarring that you truly believed that was a legitimate stance to take and it’s quite frankly disturbing
She said "I deserve more." Meaning she deserves a better relationship than the one she has. It's not about her already-established relationship any more at that point.
Setting aside a small minority of the population which is violent, the standards should be the same for women and for men. If women "deserve more", why shouldn't men "deserve more"? Are you in favor of gender equality?
If you say incels are "entitled to complete strangers", why isn't OP "entitled to complete strangers"? It seems like much different language is used to describe men vs women, even when the thinking and behavior is quite similar...
That being said, i believe male incels also deserve love and respect and attention. Has to be resiprocal tho. And i think in this situation she was giving him love and attention and he wasnt giving it back.
This is a fascinating reply and will give me something to chew on mentally for a bit.
You made an assumption that she claimed to deserve more ‘for simply existing’ and it looks like you’re projecting from an onlookers perspective. If feeling neglected (like she said) is not what she wants then why does she have to put up with it? What exactly is the issue here? This sounds like trying to get women to settle and forcing the same rhetoric men have WRONGFULLY been feeding themselves for years - they have to earn their value
Does she HAVE to stay in a relationship she doesn't want? No. Should most women settle? YES. Because most modern Western women have unreasonable and unrealistic expectations. No, women do not have to earn their value as human beings (and neither do men), but if they want the most desirable men, they have to BE the kind of person their ideal man would actually want. A woman is not ENTITLED to an ideal man or an ideal relationship. Now who's projecting?
I'm trying to imagine the kind of man Kyle thinks is the most desirable lmao
If you want you can settle in a relationship. But if I'm going to invest my love and time into someone it will be someone I don't settle for. Would you want someone to settle for you? I don't think you would. It'd make you feel horrible knowing that the person your with doesn't find you interesting or loves you for you. People just become bitter and angry in relationships where there is no love. I don't think you've experienced love because if you have you wouldn't have written what you wrote.
No one should settle. Thats why more and more women are staying single. No one should settle for ANYTHING in life. However, it’s needed to point out, if you don’t have self respect and haven’t done work on yourself you’ll accept the bare minimum.
Yes she does deserve more for simply existing. Everybody deserves a person who cares about them and wants to spent time with them.
Even Hitler?
Yes
The history showed that hitler became this bad person because his step father abused him and his mother did nothing. If hitler received loved from his mother and step father he wouldnt tourned out like that. Its simple as that
There are plenty of people who DID receive love from their parents and still turn out like Hitler anyway. They just don't have as much power as he did, so we don't read about them in the history books.
You're saying that Hitler deserved certain things BEFORE he committed atrocities. What about AFTER he committed tbose atrocities? Was he still deserving then?
No
most if not all of bad people didnt received love from other people thats why they become bad. From parents from friends from partners. This situation pushed them to doing worse things. The lack of love on their live.
After what he did no he didnt deserved it obviously he didnt deserved to even live. But he as a person could think that he deserved it. Why? Because he was just a human that wanted to be loved and cared for. Thats one of our primarly need as a humans.
How do you know bad people became bad because they didn't receive love? Do you have any proof that isn't just anecdotal evidence?
Also, you said “most” bad people. Most is different than all.
The article lays it out pretty clearly. He’s a good guy who doesn’t communicate well and she wanted more communication.
Maybe you think you deserve less (No offense). But every human existing deserve the best of everything in the world.
No one should have to settle for less.
Why does every human deserve the best of everything in the world? Is there any evidence to support that idea?
Well, I don't need proof to know I deserve the best. I'm worth it. So if you think you're not, don't project it on others.
And honestly, no one should think they are not. Why won't you deserve good things?
A belief without evidence is simply an opinion, not a fact. Beliefs that aren't based on facts or evidence are sometimes harmless, but they can also be very counterproductive and dangerous. If I believe I can fly by jumping off buildings (even though there's no evidence to support that belief), I'm going to end up with a lot of broken bones.
I'm not projecting anything onto anyone else. This isn't about whether I personally deserve something or not. I believe no one deserves anything. No one is entitled to the best of anything. No one is entitled to something just because they want it. The universe owes me nothing.
The idea of “deserving” something can be (and often has been) used to justify doing things that are destructive and morally wrong. If I believe I deserve the best of everything, then why shouldn't I commit crimes to get what I want? Let's say I want the best and most expensive car there is. If I believe “I deserve it” and I'm entitled to it, then that means there's no problem with me stealing it, because I'm just taking what's rightfully mine. You see the problem there.
Bye👋
You're getting it all wrong.
Just because you deserve it doesn't mean you'll always get it. Of anything to settle for, not a partner. It's a life long decision.
You deserve a rest after working all round the year but might not get it due to work pressure still… Doesn't mean you still don't deserve the rest. It's the same with life.
The universe don't owe you anything, true. That's why you strive hard to give yourself the best, in this case, leaving a partner that she believes wasn't the best for her.
The best things won't fall in your laps, and no one is saying to do terrible things to have it.
Yes, for simply existing. We all deserve someone who loves us for who we are and someone who shows up for us.
If you believe we must settle for people for whom we’re not a priority I genuinely feel sad for you.
Being single is much better than being with someone who just keeps you around out of convenience, why would she stay when he keeps showing her she’s not really wanted?
If I've horrifically beaten everyone I've ever been romantically involved with and treated them all like garbage, do I still deserve someone who loves me for who I am and shows up for me? If I have sky-high standards for my partner and expect them to give me everything, but I refuse to give them anything in return or to meet any standards myself--if I'm one hundred percent selfish and I make the relationship all about me--do I still deserve someone who loves me for who I am and shows up for me?
No one is entitled to get what they want in a romantic relationship. No one is entitled to a romantic relationship at all. Relationships are like loans: you get what you qualify for, not what you think you deserve.
This is a disingenuous comment and you’re taking the conversation completely off the rails.
None of the hypothetical scenarios you’re bringing up apply here.
This is a very classic scenario of someone who puts more effort than the other into the relationship. There’s no abuse that we know of, no sky-high standards as she’s literally asking for the bare minimum and not getting it, and no selfishness since she was putting all this effort in.
Since she’s opening her heart and willing to pour love, care and attention into a relationship she absolutely deserves the same from her partner.
She does deserve more than she was getting, cause she was barely getting anything. To use your analogy, she qualified for a lot more and therefore left the man that didn’t deserve her.
It doesn't matter whether my hypothetical scenarios apply to this particular case, because I wasn't talking about the author of this article. I was pointing out the fact that there are situations where the statement “everyone deserves XYZ” is demonstrably untrue. The fact that you did not offer a rebuttal and instead changed the subject and made the conversation all about one particular person (even though my original thesis was not about one particular person and neither was yours) tells me everything I need to know. It means you're aware that what I'm saying is correct, but you don't want to admit it, so you're pivoting instead. The fact that you don't like what I have to say does not in any way mean that I'm being disingenuous. Your comment is disingenuous, and you're taking the conversation completely off the rails.
Also, you're making a TON of assumptions about the conduct and character of the author of this article. You're assuming she's completely blameless, even though you've only heard her side of the story and no one else's. You know nothing about her relationship with her ex, other than what she's told you. How do you know that everything she's said is true? How do you know that she's being totally fair, balanced, and objective in her assessment of the relationship, her assessment of her ex, and her assessment of herself? You don't. You're just assuming. How do you know what she “deserves”? You don't. You're just ASSUMING she deserves everything she SAYS she deserves. You don't know anything for sure about her relationship. And neither do I. That's why I'm speaking in general principles and not speaking about HER specifically.
He's an Avoidant and you are Anxious. Look into Attachment Theory, Adam Lane Smith vids are the best on this. I am an Avoidant man myself and what your husband did is textbook, and your reactions are textbook Anxious. He will start to create emotional distance when the relationship starts to feel really serious, and you (the Anxious person) will respond by chasing. Unfortunately the more you chase him, the more he will pull away. Avoidants can heal but it takes awareness first, followed by a long path of rewiring your brain. I am on this path now and am optimistic.
Thank you for commenting :) Yes- I’m super aware of attachment theory and you’re so right! Definitely anxious girl meets avoidant boy dynamic!
I’m seeing a lot of comments ‘bashing’ her. I don’t usually like to say anything, but I think I’d like to add in my two cents here.
To my fellow brothers, I understand what you’re getting at. Tbh, the title is very misleading and since that’s the first impression that hits, everything else onwards is only going to make you feel animosity, and I can understand that it is fueled by experiences you’ve had to endure from individuals that abandoned you despite you pouring every piece of your existence into them. That being said, you need to understand truly her perspective. This is a classic case of ‘spark fizzling out’ and on your ends, it’s misunderstanding; ironic because that’s exactly her feelings. Misunderstood.
When she specified ‘more’, it’s not exactly MORE, rather it’s truly the bare functioning blocks that created the relationship in the first place. Please my brothers, understand beyond the scope of your personal betrayals which I know hurt like shit. ‘More’ in this case isn’t more money, more niceness, or being a good guy. It’s about emotional presence and most importantly RECIPROCITY. Do you not see that this is what first created the bond? His efforts when he showed up for her, when he was by her side, when he made her feel seen, understood and like she was the only person that mattered. She made him feel the same way, which is why their bond is this deep. The connection USED to be mutual and electric, but over time, it faded on HIS end. Yes, I understand life gets in the way. For gods sake, I should know. I’m a Medical student and to juggle family bonds is difficult on its own but because it truly means a lot to me, I MUST show up without fail, and if I fail on some days, they love me enough to understand. Do you not see that SHE did the same? She UNDERSTOOD for his sake, but brothers, understand that to truly understand someone else means to sacrifice your feelings. It’s evident when she says a simple goodnext text - a 5 second effort, he didn’t do. When that stopped and she had to beg him for it, understand that she is giving you the smallest and rather easiest example to digest to give you a broader reality of the true situation. If a goodnight text couldn’t be said, do you really think there was much effort in other parts. I’m not saying he didn’t show up at all, but when you show a level of standard you are and slowly begin to starve the other person of the dream YOU showed them, it will mentally fuck them up. Do you not think she had to apply more makeup to be prettier? Compared herself to OTHER girls and try to be like them just so she could have the dream HE SOLD HER. Do you not think she tried? Read her words. She’s so madly in love. Just because she left, do you really think she’s even capable of moving on easily? She’s IN LOVE. This is a woman that loves a man, and a man that began to take it for granted.
‘I deserve to feel mattered. Like my presence is felt. Like my love is returned with the same depth, not politely tolerated’ - brothers, holy fuck. I know for a fact, because you’ve signed up here, you stem from broken homes. Imagine your mom. Didn’t our mothers suffer at the hands of the man that made vows? Does it not shatter you that they felt exactly this way?
“I felt like my passion was too much.” “The act of asking my boyfriend to just acknowledge me once a day… became soul-destroying.” “My entire being was being compromised.” “I love him so completely. My god, it hurts.” - This is not indifference. It’s deep attachment, it’s grief, it’s mourning a love that’s still alive in you but already dead in the other person.
he was a good man, he was a nice man, but that is not the same as being emotionally available. I know we all come from different faiths, however I’m a Muslim. In Islam, a man is only his woman’s warrior, but SHE is the Queen of his house, Princess for his hands, and the Baby of his heart. You must understand the different titles.
Lastly, for the author: Have faith, that what is meant for you will always reach you. Have faith. After all, you’re a woman. You’re unbelievably precious.
This comment brought me to tears and touched my soul. Thank you so much for seeing me and taking the time to understand, digest and comment from a place of true love and understanding. You are a wonderful light in this world.
Thank you so much for choosing to spread that here. I appreciate it more than you know 🙏
But you weren't thriving. You were being ignored and taken for granted. It would never have got better and you were right to end it. Relationships should bring out the best in you, not leave you bedridden with grief and anxiety. That's not love.
Thank you, thank you! <3
Agreed 💯
this is one of the most beautiful pieces i have ever read, not just on substack but in my life. i was so recently right where you are. i have related to every part, particularly the noticing yourself becoming less and less important to them, and to their words not matching their actions. eventually we have to choose ourselves. i got out of the shower one day and thought "if i was choosing me, i would walk away" and then i just had to. it gets so much better and brighter and there is someone out there who will never stop choosing you, but until then you can be that person for yourself. choose you. <3
Wow thank you so so much for this wonderful comment, Grace. I really appreciate it more than you know! 🥺💕
Sounds like he loves you but the honeymoon phase was ending for him, honestly. It does in every long term relationship. Have been with my husband for 10 years now and it’s not the same. Different, maybe a bit less intense, but much deeper in other ways. With three young kids, all that honeymoon energy would be too much of a distraction anyway. Not to say we don't do romance anymore, but we don't have time to write poetry or be checking our phones for cute messages. But we can look on all we've built together, and know we are each other's ride or die.
If you can get him back, I would advise it.
Hey!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
B x
I feel like you’re being very hard on yourself.
I think it’s courage that caused you to show up and ask those questions.
Many women fear their courage and push it down and stifle it, dying in the process.
Yes, you are wounded but you have yourself.
And being single is not that bad, it’s better than being in a relationship that is energetically not even.
Thank you so much
I'm not sure any relationship could pass the bar of being "energetically even" all the time. They were easing out of the honeymoon phase and settling into an actual relationship (one that takes work and maintenance) when she pulled the rip cord. I'm not sure that was courage as much as it was panicking.
Nah. That isn’t what happened.
Hey!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
B x
I can’t help but feel that if he had given you what you think you wanted, you would have broken up with him because he was too needy and suffocating. I wish you well but I don’t think any man can make you happy until you do some serious self-assessment.
Hey!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
B x
TLDR: He showed top effort to get me, then became human and couldn’t maintain it. “I’ll take door #3”. [womp, womp]
“Oh! You gave up the sports car for a used can opener. But thank you for playing.”
I felt like I was being tortured in my last relationship...constantly being his lowest priority, yet making me feel like I wasn't doing enough for him. He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but actions speak louder than words. I knew he would never cheat on me. I knew he loved me. But I put him on a pedestal. He just didn't know how to love me properly. It is the worst feeling, and like you, I finally walked away. It was horrible. I relapsed, went into a severe depression, and lost a lot of weight. I built my self back up though. It will get better. And since then, I've made a promise to myself that I will never let a man make me feel that small again. I'm in a new relationship with a much younger guy, but he is just the sweetest thing, and I am a priority. I understand that gut-wrenching feeling of nauseating disgust, not hearing from them for a whole day, knowing he has his phone on him. I always said, it takes 2 seconds to send a quick text, to let me know what's going on. Your story was so beautifully written I feel like it was written for me. It will get better, my dear. We are worthy to be appreciated.
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing. It’s so lovely to connect with you 💕
Sorry for the horrible comments - felt the same in my first relationship. That I was asking too much, that we just had different communication styles, that I was being needy. I lost myself in obsessing over him and us. 5 years later I’m in a long distance relationship and let me tell you that you can find someone who loves you with the same intensity, who pulls closer not away, who communicates as much as you need, who makes u feel secure even in their absence. There was nothing wrong with you, you simply weren’t a good match x
Thank you Lizzie and thank you for sharing your story too ❤️❤️
You wrote a whole essay about how he's perfect and you love him and told us nothing about him except that he occasionally didn't text you and looked at his phone instead of you, and that he was absent often. Like what was the rest of your relationship?
What relationship is she supposed to have with someone who's “absent often”?
Well if she loved him and he was perfect I would assume there was some kind of relationship going on when he was there, theres just no information about it in this essay.
Hey!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
B x
Hey!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
B x
Girl... The bar is so low. Not being abused doesn't mean the man is a good man. He was nice and didn't yell at you maybe, but not giving any intention whatsoever to your girlfriend is like, below the bare minimum
"not giving any intention whatsoever to your girlfriend"
Yeah like that one 24 hour period where he didn't text back quick enough. That's what I call "no attention whatsoever" 😉
BF: fails to be on call 24/7 at a moment's notice for girlfriend's emotional needs when in a different city
GF: "the bar is so low"
You're basing yourself off of an article that only says so much. In my opinion if it was stressful enough to write about, it was surely more than juste one day. And honest,y to each their own, but if my boyfriend wasn't responding to days on end then yeah I wouldn't feel loved either and I would definitely move on.
So much love to you! Thank you 🙏💕
"not giving any intention whatsoever" was a clear exaggeration.
okay bro 😹
I've never wanted to bash a comment section so bad.
You are so brave and patient and the fact that you've taken the time to respond to all these comments? You're an angel.
I hope that you fully heal from this pain. And that one day soon, I'll read something from you about a love that makes you feel safe and seen and soft.
A love that doesn't make you ask if you're too much.
You are so sweet. Thank you so so much 🥹❤️
No one deserves anything that’s not earned. Delete “deserve” from your vocabulary. Replace it with “earn” or “work”.
Hey!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I've updated this post with an Author's Note at the end which will I hope will have some answers for you.
B x
I’m going to do something most people don’t on the internet and admit now, re-reading with the author’s note added, that I get it. Sounds like this was the best decision for you and I apologize for being too hasty with my words and judgment.
For now I’ll leave this note up so people can see this exchange, but if you’d like I can also take them down. Just let me know. And again, my apologies for jumping to conclusions. I wish you the best going forward!
I don’t get why this kind of ceo speech is so used in relationship topics now. What you are saying is a way to live your life to prevent feeling like a victim, but it’s not how you get love from your partner. You don’t earn love when you deserve it based on your actions, and most people who are emotionally neglected in relationships are actually the ones trying the hardest to “earn” it. But guess what? Those who can fix it never do it by working harder, but by being able to inspire change in the other partner. It’s okay to think you deserve better treatment if you are hurting, because you trust the other person made a commitment to you, so it stopped being transactional.
💕
While I still agree with this general statement, I was wrong about Blithe’s post and her experience. It does not apply to her relationship and I apologize for saying so. I hope she and others will forgive me, and I wish her the best going forward on her journey! For my part, I will do a better job practicing what I preach.
https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/the-grace-we-can-give-each-other
I agree. Everyone uses this term "deserve" - comes from a place of entitlement and often jealousy too